Harry Potter And The Shmexy Vampire
by Falling.Twilight
Summary: This is waay too stupid. But I had promised I would upload. No, I'm not saying anythnig in this summary. It would only give me away. Just... look inside and reply. NOT RECOMMENDED FOR CHILDREN UNDER 13 YEARS OLD.


**I had promised I would upload this fic to my friends, but I swear it's embarrassing to me and my _real_ way of writing. This is something I wrote around four years ago with a friend of mine called Cezz. She had the main idea and I wrote the rest. This fic is _very_ immature but it was freaking hilarious writing it, so we had lots of fun. There is use of the word Fuck many times, as you will notice, since our Harry Potter and Gerard (Way, Gerard Way, in fact) were kind of very idiotic and thought saying Fuck all the time was very funny. So this is NOT for kiddies under 18. Although we wrote it when we were around 12, 13 years old. ANYWAY. If you don't have a sense of humour this is NOT for you. We warned you. Now here you have the only two chapters I ever wrote in my life - ladies and gentleman, Harry Potter And The Shmexy Vampire.**

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Chapter 1: HOLY COW, HE'S A VAMPIRE!

It started long ago, in a far away country, when a woman received a beautiful child. She named her child Harry, Harry Potter. Until Harry was one age, she enjoyed having great _fun _with him. Until Lord Fuckinggod killed her after a _hot night._ Harry was left alone in an cabaret, because his father couldn't enjoy him because his "friendy" was too big for Harry's little butt.

Harry learned the basic positions from the Kamasutra with his substitute parents when he was 3, and he already knew every single positions at the age of 5, and even had invented his own ones. He was the master of fuck.

One shmexy day, Harry was _playing_ with his friend in the park, when he saw a vampire hanging from a tree. His mate didn't see it though, because he was too concentrated in what he was doing, because he wanted to get a good mark that day, inventing his own position. His friend left dissapointed, though.

Harry approached the creature, when he fell down.

"Holy fucking mother of fucking god, this bitch is dead!"

"I'm not o-fucking dead!" replied the vampire suddenly, getting from the floor.

Harry looked carefully at the vampire. "OH, holy fucking mother of fucking god, this fucking vampire has a fucking shmexy butt, I'm so fucking gay!!!" he thought gayly.

"Thanks, but I already knew about my butt. Shmexy, isn't it?"

"How did you fucking know?!"

"Well, i'm a vampire, ain't I? I can read your mind. Yes, I am a vampire... a very shmexy vampire... mmm."

"Oh, hello Mr. Vampire With A Shmexy Butt" Harry said.

"Oh, please, call me Gerard, the Fucking Vampire."

"Yes, Ger- wait!! You are a vampire!!! Oh, please, don't kill me! I only fucked 746485 times!"

"Oh, come on boy, vampires will never hurt you, they will just fuck you."

"Fuck? Did you say, fuck?!"

"Yes I did, that's why I'm called the Fucking Vampire, shmexy little boy."

"AND WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF FUCKING GOD!"

"Um, what do you fucking mean?"

"LETS FUCK, BITCH! OH MOTHER FUCKER, I'M SO EXCITED!"

"Well then, let's go to my castle on the next block, just after the cabaret."

"I had a fucking vampire for a neighbourd and i never knew?! Holy fuck, this must be a shmexy day!"

Harry and Gerard went to the castle, talking animatedly about all the positions they could make, and about if Gerard's friendy would be too big for Harry's six-year-old butt, and they finally agreed that it was the exact size, not too fat, but, as Harry enjoyed knowing, too big, about nearly his own size.

They entered the castle. There were pictures on the walls about every sexual date Gerard had had, and Harry recognized the movements of the Kamasutra. There was one specially good with the best movement Harry had ever seen. It was labelled as "Movement number 357: Gerard The Fucking Vampire & Cecilia Paz". There were friendys hanging on the walls, some with something white and sticky which Harry knew, because he had tasted it many many times. He saw a big statue of Gerard naked and Harry got so excited that threw Gerard to the floor and fucked him there as he had never done before. He did all the positions he knew and enjoyed a very shmexy night.

Chapter 2: HOLY COW, HE'S A HOMO!

Harry and Gerard met every night. They passed all the time together fucking, and Harry improved even more. But suddenly, Gerard started to do strange things. He looked very gayly at Harry, and he fucked him in a very girlish - but excitingly - way. One day they were walking in a park, talking about You-Know-What to start getting excited. Harry looked at Gerard.

"Erm - Gery - can I ask you something about your fuking being??"

"Yes, darling, whatever you fucking want!" said Gerard gayly.

"Well - erm - why are your nails pink?"

"Because I want to look pretty for you, darling!" he said gayly.

"And why are you talking to me in that fucking and gayly way?!"

"Because i am very cheerful tonight - ready for our best session - Oooooooooooh!" he replied.

"MOTHER FUCKER! HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF FUCKING GOD, YOU ARE A FUCKING HOMOSEXUAL!"

"No, that's not true, darling, dear Harry, I am not a homo, why are you thinking that?" he said while he cheked his nails. "Damn, I broke a nail!"

Harry looked at him frightened.

"Holy fuck! But..." Then he looked at his own friendy. "Mother fucker!" he shouted, and ran away. Gerard looked sad. He started singing:

" Fuck is good,

fuck is funny,

lots of people fuck for money.

If you think that fuck is funny,

fuck yourself,

and save the money."

"No, wait, that _wasn't_ the song."

" How will i survive,

With no fuck tonight?

How will i survive

with no fuck tonight?

but they told me once

shut your fucking ass

and they said:

don't you cry tonight

you'll always be gay, gerard

don't you cry tonight

don't you cry tonight

there is a cabaret above you, baby

don't you cry tonight

give a friendy

and give me a condon

give me a fuck before you

you fuck the dog

they tell me:

shut your fucking ass

and they said:

don't you cry tonight

you'll always be gay, gerard

don't you cry tonight

don't you cry tonight

there is a cabaret above you, baby

don't you cry tonight!"

The next night, Gerard found Harry fucking in the church with the pope. Gerard saw it from the outside, and when Harry caught his sight, he immediately went out, leaving the pope fucking with the holy dog.

"Harry!" Gerard grabbed Harry by the arms "Harry, I miss your friendy!"

"Oh, gerard, I'm so sorry, but I can't fuck with someone who loves men."

"Holy crap, I had practised a dramatic text to say if you said "and I miss yours"."

"Gerard, goodbye, I was very entertained, you know, I didn't think the pope knew the holy kamasutra"

"Goodbye" Gerard started crying. He sobbed and looked up to watch Harry fuck the dog in the ass. He looked down: the dog was a male.

"HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING GOD, THAT BITCH IS GAY!" he souted angrily.

Harry looked up and blushed. He left the church to meet Gerard.

"What do you mean? You wanna fight? You wanna piece o' me? YOU WANNA PIECE O' ME?!"

"Shut it! You never fucked a girl, did you?!"

"Let's think...I like girlies, but I also like peanuts, so I guess I'm gay! Gay! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" he sang loudly and started fucking with Gerard.

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**Well, there you go. Grose. But yeah I had lots of fun with that. And when we look back on this fic, we just can't help laughing at the idiotic comments Harry makes and at Gerard's song. That was the end of it forever, since I don't think I'll every write a Chapter 3 and so on. I don't write like _that_ anymore. But I hope you enjoyed this production :)**

**Thanks for your time! Actually wasted in reading about a 5-year-old child fucking Gerard Way. Grose porn.**

**Anyway, thanks and have a good day:)**


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